The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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