I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
