just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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