i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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