I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
