This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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