I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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