there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
