I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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