Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
