Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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