i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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