I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
