I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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