If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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