she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
