i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
