went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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