Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
