I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
