I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
