dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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