There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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