Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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