I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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