This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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