dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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