Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
