no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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