I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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