I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I want her autograph on my taint
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
