Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
