I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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