I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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