i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
