I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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