you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
