I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
