i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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