i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
