she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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