Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize