i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
