watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
