I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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