I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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