Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
