where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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