Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
