420 ftw
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
