it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
