my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
