No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
