i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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