Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
