god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
