my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
