have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
