i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
